One of my best friends was telling me “Love yourself. If you don’t, no one will love you the way you want.”
She was telling me so because she could see how I was attracting unavailable men to my life and destroying my ‘self’ while protecting the man in my life. I was in a relationship for 3 years and she was telling me the same thing for more than 3 times in a week.
I had mixed feelings about myself. I was showing love to myself when I was loved. I hated myself when we argued even if it was not my fault. I thought that I had to control everything because I was the strong one in the relationship. And what I understood from being “strong” was silence. If I care enough, if I ignore my feelings when he ignores me; I thought everything would be alright and I’d be stronger every time. It was foolish. After the break-up, I realised I was the opposite. Every time I was doing these, I was more broken. I was more vulnerable. That’s also what I wanted to ignore in the end, being vulnerable.
A year after the breakup, in one of the e-mails he was sending me, he was telling me how he did not like me during our first year which I was in love so madly with him. He added what he did not like about me, especially about my appearance. That’s how I understood that I have to learn self-love. Everything he was telling me were the things I was telling myself secretly. These were the things I hated most about myself, the things I accused myself and the things which I cannot change because I was born with these.
I always believed in my capacity to love, my dear heart. I had a lot of love for everyone except myself. Now, it is time to show some love to my lovely heart.